avoiding my shit

I have not been  in an altruistic space the last few days, although the thought below has been an ever present whisper among  my own self absorption.
My body is tired,  my lower back has been out for several days,  sleep has not been easy for over a year, the workload has been pressure filled and family life has been, well, complicated.  I do not want to sit with any of this; I just want some relief.  I just want to return to a sense of comfort.
I’m not beating myself up over it, but I’m not pleased either.  So for right now I just remind myself through teachings and readings . . . and remembering the universal compassion which is at work even when I do not feel it – even while avoiding my shit.
Eventually I’ll stop avoiding, but for now I just feel like bitching . . .
~ John

When we’re afraid, the mind tends to dart away instead of diligently and deeply entering the fear.  It gets confused and thinks, “Let me take care of myself first,” as if it weren’t responsible for the whole world.
Part of what zazen—sitting meditation—does is to help us settle down into gentle, unswerving attention and peel away that false sense of separation.–Bonnie Myotai Treace, from “Rising to the Challenge,” in the Spring 2003 issue of Tricycle